Hi everyone, I know you haven’t heard from me for a while but I’m still here and I haven’t changed!

Many of you will know that I was incapacitated for some time, and while I am now back out there training to a small degree, this lay off has only served to make me even grumpier and less tolerant  than I was. Hard to believe, I know, but anyway on we go!

A lot has happened since GFII went out to you…. you know… we won the 2XU series trophy, had some amazing results at Port Macquarie and of course celebrated the EOSP where there was much dancing, carousing, and other frivolities (by all except your scribe who behaved himself very well, and no one wanted to dance with anyway!) (So we’ll see WHO reads at least this far!)

I also lost my bike, well it was stolen, so consider what additional effect this has had on my already sunny demeanour !

So congratulations to us all, but there’s still plenty I need to get off my chest, and like I said at the EOSP you need to read all my articles! (“it will be worth it, if not for the sake of this song, but for the sake of your own peace of mind” – name the song please – Greg will know???)


Well the questions I posed last time (GF II) drew little in the way of a response from you lot, except for Sláine who at least gave an interesting aside to the fish conundrum, so she wins a prize which I have yet to determine but will probably something along the lines of, “having coffee with me”!



Ok try this one!

There has been talk and even possibly research stating that we can “train” our bodies, or more specifically, our metabolism, to preferentially burn fat as our primary source of energy. For an endurance athlete this is a huge win as fat supplies heaps more energy per gram than carbohydrate or protein.

Hmm maybe, I don’t really go for that – BUT – IF THATS THE CASE, then surely we are at the same training our metabolism to be fat storers. After all, if we are going to use it, we are going to need it!

So bear that in mind in the off season when you’re trying to keep your weight down!

Please discuss, and I am open to argument here, there’s coffee up for grabs!


If you’ve been paying attention to my previous articles, you’ll recall I wrote one about nutrition titled, “Do ants have muscles?”. You should read it by the way, it’s very good!


I like ants, well, when they’re not biting me. I was watching some one day and I started to realise how incredibly fast they are. So I looked into it a bit, and found that the Saharan silver ant can travel at 0.7 metres per second. Apparently that translates to about 100 body lengths per second (BLS)!!!!

This is staggering.  A cheetah can only go around 16 BLS, Usain Bolt at 6 BLS, mind you there is a mite that can go 322 BLS but I’m not interested in mites, just ants (and fish, I like fish too, not jellyfish though, hate them, I also like Bees but I’ll get to them another day).

All this got me thinking, can muscles actually contract and relax that fast, and therefore, do ants have muscles?

I actually don’t know the answer, and frankly I don’t want to know, I”d rather continue to just contemplate it, and annoy people by asking them what they think!

By the way, are there “He” and “She” ants, or is there just the queen and everyone else (bit like TA really – oooh I think I’m poking bears again. And where did THAT saying come from!).


You’ll remember GFI and GFII focused on the cycling side of things, and while there’s plenty more I’d like to get of my chest I think we’ll turn our focus to swimming! Besides I’m a bit sad about things Bike wise at the moment so let’s talk about what drives me nuts in the pool. (and its close relative “the Sauna”).


I guess what I’m really talking about here is swimming in a public pool not in a squad situation. Mostly in squad it kind of sorts itself out, the faster people end up the front and the slower are further back.

In public pools they have “Lap Lanes”, usually labelled , “Fast”, “Medium”, and “Slow”!

Now this is already too much information for the average swimmer, and very few seem to get it right. Some pools go to the extent of qualifying this categorisation by adding times. Fast = <60sec, Medium = 60-70 sec and slow 70sec+. This apparently is the equivalent to quantum physics to most people and roughly gets translated as, “any lane you like and you can do breaststroke or just kick just so long as you don’t get your hair wet!”


What about “lap lane etiquette”!……………………….

Sorry that pause was me laughing, what a joke!

I mean is this so hard? Well yes, apparently it is!

We already know No one knows what fast lane means, but apparently you swim in the middle of the lane, slowly, and if someone is coming up behind you, you turn and keep going making it impossible to be passed. Also if you are about to jump in and you see someone coming up about to turn, you start just in front of them with your kick board. I mean if you waited for them to go through you would have lost oooh a second or so, and everyone could have continued on at their own pace. You know I reckon if I could train my ants to run in a straight line they’d be faster than these people,. I think these people are displaying a mis-placed hubris (GREG)!

What about you get to the pool, look for a lane, see the fast lane has about 4 swimmers and they all look pretty good, but they do a few laps then stop and chat for 10 minutes!

GEEZ, there’s Hubris for you (GREG TWICE). So they block a lane and sit there and think how F’ing good they are, then they might do some butterfly to prove it, wankers,……………..sorry I’m laughing again.

I have a rule here, always swim in a lane that has people faster than you, its easy (it really is) when they are coming up behind you, you stop at the end, wait a few seconds then go behind them.

Also save your drills for squad, you can use things that make you faster eg fins, Pull buoy or paddles, but if you want to kick, get in the slow lane. See how intolerant I’ve become.

I’m actually wondering if the term “Lap lane etiquette” is an oxymoron (Greg? Carly?)


So we’ve made it through our swim session and then we either head to the change rooms or perhaps the sauna. Oh boy have I got stories here, and numerous burnt sticks moments!

Now i’d perhaps better not go into the change room stories as this would need to be an Adults only version of the G Files, but lets analyse sauna behaviour!

The sauna has 5 rules!

I remember them, they are in plain sight (were talking MSAC here)!

I’m a bit obsessive about this stuff (I know that surprises you), but lets see.

You have to have a towel, a wrist band, don’t lie down, don’t spend longer than 15 minutes, and don’t pour water (or anything else) on the element!

Simple, yeah! Well sadly, again NO!


At any one time I’ve seen people breaking 4 rules at once (never the whole 5 surprisingly).

Once a guy poured eucalyptus on the element inducing immediate asthmatic effect and I had to leave. They pour their water bottles on it thereby giving their germs wings so they can ride on horseback (droplets) into your respiratory system. NICE and thank you so much!

I am also sad to say I feel sorry for the girls who go in there too, as some of the “males” clearly are trying to attract some kind of attention usually by wearing “tired” swimwear in a revealing pose!

Which would lead to a conversation about the change rooms but not now!

You may be surprised to learn I actually complained to management about Sauna behaviour three times I think. I became friendly with some of the staff, remember this was during my Kona build so I was emotionally on a knifes edge, unlike now where I am completely normal, and sane, and stable!

I went in there (Sauna) recently, there was no one in there, I was so happy! Within 1 minute of being in there 3 people came in, ….. so I left!

I’m like that in coffee shops too, actually in most places, once a guy sat at my table in a cafe, so i moved …. to another cafe (at Melb Uni – Eddie, Steph!)


Anyway I really wonder how many of you are actually reading to this point

I could start talking about what gives me the irrates in open water but I think Ive pushed Mrs TA’s patience to the limit for this article, so I’ll leave it there!

So in the words of pretty much everyone at the EOSP, Cheers!

For those of you who weren’t there, well, you missed out.

And if you want to see someone break the world record for complaining and being miserable about training in winter, come to Lorne!

Cause I’ll be there, well if I can get a bus ticket, and a bike, and someone to take it there and……





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